Ara Ara’s Mind

{Author’s Note: For the past eleven years I have been writing a YA novel called The Confusing Period.I started it way back in freshman year of high school, and since then it has taken on many, many different iterations. In its final form, it takes on the weight of my high school self falling in love for the first time. This is a chapter I recently finished that I decided no longer fit into the story. Andrew is a boy who comes back to his hometown after years away. It’s just him and his mom until…Enjoy!}

Journal,
   
My dad is here and I have no clue what I’m supposed to be saying to him.
   
There are so many things I want to say. How’s work? How’s Seattle? Have you thought about me at all since we moved back? Why haven’t you texted me? Or called? Or anything? Why are you here now? How could you make it so easy to be without you?

But I couldn’t say any of that. Not when mom was wearing a smile I haven’t seen in months. Not when this man I used to know looks exactly as he did before we left.
   
So, I settled for a cautious “Hello.”
   
He went on and on about how proud he was of me for adapting so quickly. Thanked me for being so kind to Mom while we transitioned. Giving me praises that I barely deserved. How could I not do those things? How could I have made it harder for her? For myself? Is that what he expected of me?
   
We sat in the living room, the three of us staring at the other waiting for someone to say something. I thought that Dad would’ve had a lot more to say other than, “way to go champ”, but what do I know. 

After a while, Mom tightly mentioned Lani and people I reconnected with school. Though we both know it’s just Lani. I nodded along to her words, keeping the truth to myself. Mom frowned at my lack of sharing and excused herself of to get dinner.

When we were alone, Dad leaned toward me. “I’m sorry about the surprise,” He said in a low tone. “I didn’t have time to let you guys know I was coming”

“That’s cool.” I shrugged, refusing to be curious about any of the words he said.

“So,” He sighed. “Besides friends, how has school been?”

I shrugged again. “Fine. Difficult at first, but I’ve been getting the hang of it this semester.”

“Well that’s good.” He nodded, siting back in his chair.

He let the silence sit for a while before he spoke again. The whole time I was avoiding his gaze hoping he could tell that I just didn’t want to talk right now.

“Son, are you upset with me?” He whispered, maybe to deny that he said if I had ignored him.

“No. I just don’t know what to say to you.” I felt my hands starting to shake from nerves, so I folded my arms.

“I’m your Dad, you can say anything and everything to me.” He scooted closer, like he was about to lose his grip on me.

“I haven’t heard from in nine months.” I offered.

“So you are mad at me.”

“I’m not-” I steeled myself, trying to keep my voice low to not alarm Mom. “I just thought you would have more to say for being away for so long.”

“Drew, you don’t want to hear about my life it’s so boring.” He swatted my concern away.

“Dad,” I looked directly in his eyes. “You have been away for so long and you have no stories to tell?” I watched him flounder for a response before I decided that I should let him keep his secrets. “I’m sorry for asking.”

I left him just siting there. What else was I supposed to say? What else was I expected to do? He has nothing to share; nothing to say. Why should I? Why should I tell him about Lani? Or the colleges I’ve applied to? Or what I major in? He won’t even tell me what he does for work.

I shouldn’t be so frustrated with him. He’s a busy guy, I understand, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know what’s going on. I want to talk about boring stuff. I want to know what his day to day looks like. I want to tell him what my day to day looks like. Who I hang out with. Who I am. I want to know who he is. 

Is that possible? Or am I asking for too much? 

He felt like a stranger sitting in that chair staring at me. A man my mom can see but I can’t. 

Andrew