Ara Ara’s Mind

Confusion

{AN: This is about the way my overwhelming anxiety mixes with my actually emotions. This feeling caused me to become very defensive and detached from what my life actually was. I believe this feeling haunts me. It is creeping around every corner. It lurks waiting for me to slip. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Recommended consumption- Me 24/7 board on my Pinterest page.}

There was a cluster of tension that sat high in my chest when I was a teenager. Right between the top of my heart and my collar bone. It was stiff and hard and unwavering. I didn’t know what it was or why it was there, I didn’t even know it was there, honestly. I’m still unsure of what it was. Stress, fear, anxiety, depression, maybe it was all of it. I like to call it confusion, unsure-ness felt to heightened degree because I have always been a control freak who has had no idea where she would go or what she will do. Confusion is the only way I can describe the feeling it gave me. The feeling I was often acting on. Even now, I can feel that ball trying to form again, trying to tie my heart up, trying to make me freeze.

Once again, I am at a point where I don’t know what’s next. I’m learning that this is a thing that might happen to me often as a creative person, who doesn’t like to work, living in the twenty-first century. I long to create but that’s not all there is for me to do. Not all I can do. I’m reaching an in between period where what I’ve been doing isn’t enough but what to do next is going to be a leap. Like I can see the finish line but there some weird obstacle in the way.

My ball of confusion was my only friend sometimes. The only thing looking out for me, protecting me. Even though I didn’t know what it was, I liked the feeling. It was safe and comforting. I never had to do anything I didn’t want to. I appreciate my ball for that, but it also kept me from experiencing a lot of things. It took me a while to have my first crush, to go to my first party, to let people know how I felt about them. Deeming it too much work, or not worth it, or too much of a risk.

I think too wide and too openly for me to close myself off like that. There are too many unknowns and uncertainties to not be open to every possibilities, every experience I find interesting. I don’t know anything and finally I can understand that to be my advantage rather than something deeply fearful.

So, as this ball begs to return what do I do? Do I let it? Or do I trust myself to carry the weight of what ever may come?