Ara Ara’s Mind

{AN: Surprisingly I wrote this piece of Fanficiton for a class, lol. This is inspired by a book that me and Olive read called “Gifts that Bind Us” while I hated the book and hated the supposed enby representation, Olive grew on the story of the course of the next two books. When this assignment was given to me I immediately knew what I was going to write. Some context and a little spoilers: It is revealed that Maeve had something to do with Roe’s sister, and her ex-best friend, Lily’s disappearance. A fact that the reader knew from the beginning of the book. Rightfully Roe and Maeve fall out, but it is truly insufferable (to me) in Maeve’s perspective so I wrote it in Roe’s. Enjoy}

I should’ve expected this. Maeve having a hand in Lily’s disappearance should’ve been obvious to me. If she had told me. If she would have just sat me down and said, “Roe this is what happened to your sister.” It would’ve been so much better. I wouldn’t have felt like someone was holding me underwater.

         I try to drown out her calls with the strum of my guitar, but it doesn’t work. She called several times before I had to put an end to it:

         Stop calling

She responds:

        I just want to explain what happened

A part of me feels bad for just shutting off and pushing her away. Then I remember Lily’s face when Maeve wished that she would disappear. The pain that sprawled over her face. The betrayal that covered her steps. The months of pain that Maeve single-handedly caused and built. Just for her to be shocked when she snapped.

I saw what happened

The words came fast and hot when I looked at her message. I wanted to say so many things. I wanted to tell her how she betrayed my trust and Lily’s. I wanted to tell her that I was stupid for believing that we could have been anything, there’s too much pain here. I wanted to tell her to never contact me again, to lose my number. I wanted to say that I wish she would have disappeared instead of Lily. I’m pacing and typing every angry thought that came to mind but I couldn’t send any of it.

I’m sorry

That doesn’t make it feel any better. I wish it did. I wish that I’m sorry made all my pain melt away. I wish that I’m sorry could bring back the Maeve I thought was caring and beautiful. But isn’t her, not completely anyway. She is my sister’s bully. Her own friend. And sorry wouldn’t fix any of that.

You let me believe that Lily summoned the Housekeeper. But YOU did

I don’t know how I didn’t put the pieces together. Maeve is the one with the crystals and the tarot. Lily didn’t know about any of that stuff. How could I ever think that she could’ve done it herself? I see that Maeve is typing but I don’t care.

You WISHED she would disappear?

And you didn’t think that was relevant information?

There was no way that Maeve could come back from this. She lied to me, and she tormented my sister. Her thoughts don’t matter. They should have never mattered. It’s clear that she only has the capacity to think about herself. To protect herself. From nothing and no one but people who want to care for her. I can’t talk to her. I don’t want to talk to her.

I just want to be alone right now

I was never there for Lily. She went through so much and I didn’t know. I didn’t try to know. Lily had been so supportive and accepting of me for who I am, and I couldn’t be there when she really need someone. I’m a shite brother— sibling. Either way, I could have been better. I should’ve checked on her more. Tried to infiltrate her world. Maybe we both could have found solace in each other from the bullying.

I mindless pluck the strings of my guitar, trying to infuse my hurt into the chords, but it doesn’t work. My pain is deep and stiff. It begs me to leave. To go somewhere that isn’t here. It wants me to run down the street and scream. I should do it. It’s not like anyone would judge me. It’s not like my parents would try to stop me. But where would I end up. Walk to the same tunnel that allowed Maeve to infiltrate my memory. Walk down the same unfrozen riverbank where I kissed her. Guilt and apologies overwhelm me before I can think anything else. I decide that it’s best for me to stay inside when: the power goes out.

I sit in the dark holding my guitar. The comforting hum that fills my room has left and the silence that chills the roads outside enter through the window. I don’t move. There is no reason to. I sit, feeling deserving of this unpredictable, unexpected outage.

A thought taunts me that this outage has something to do with Maeve and her new found witchiness. But that thought left as quickly as the next one came in. I sprung off my chair, moving quickly under my phone’s flashlight. I grabbed a notebook, realizing I could turn my pain, my thoughts into lyrics. I write every thought that comes to mind. About Maeve, about Lily, about myself. How I wish things were different. How I wish Maeve and my family didn’t share so much pain. How I long to trust and love her.

I write for a long time. The lyrics just pour until I have nothing left to say. I’m left raw and exhausted. From my bed there’s a buzz. A sigh leaves my mouth as I reach for my phone. This wasn’t the right time for Maeve to feel like she has to explain herself. But it isn’t her. Fiona.

Is your power still out??? Everyone is at my house. We have food and everything. Come over!

When I arrived at Fiona’s house I could tell that Maeve hadn’t clued her into what we experienced. That was made even more clear after I had to explain the situation after Fiona disclosed to me that she invited Maeve over.

“I’m sorry you found out that way. Seeing it in real time must have been hard.” She didn’t look in my direction as she said this.

“Yeah, it was. I just don’t understand how she could’ve kept that from me. Like this pivotal piece of information.” I looked at the floor.

I didn’t care if Fiona knew what happened and didn’t tell me. We don’t know each other that well and it would’ve been foolish to think that she had a right to tell me anything. She was Maeve’s friend first.

“I’m sure she didn’t tell you because she didn’t want it to change how you view her.”

“Yeah, well it has. I wish it didn’t. I really do, but it has. She wished my sister out of existence. Who knows where she is.” Reliving all my thoughts from earlier has gotten me fired up. All the hateful thoughts about Maeve come rushing back in and I just feel trapped, again.

“I think if she knew that saying that would have made Lily disappear she wouldn’t have said it. Maeve wasn’t aware of the power that card had. What it would release. You can’t blame her for not knowing the power of the card then. Now we do.”

What she said made sense, but it didn’t stop me from feeling like my life had been a lie. Everything I had been doing and saying wasn’t authentic. I told Fiona this and we talked for hours about what my truth was. What felt the most comfortable. How I felt about Rory and how I feel about Roe. What being truthful to myself would look like. And how I want the world to perceive me.

When I finally got home, I half expected my parents to be concerned about where I had been or when I had even left, but nothing. They were still tranquilized from Lily’s disappearance caused by Maeve’s ignorance. Realizing this didn’t make me angry this time, it pushed me further down the path of acceptance. I stepped into my room and looked in the secret section of my closet, planning for Roe’s debut for their gig on Saturday.